I have always been both scared and curious. The label Schizoid fits me. But I always struggled to explain how this affects my behaviour. Since I stumbled on this lovely little puppy video on Youtube, thats became a lot easier. It metaphorically shows how I go about daily life. I approach every situation like the puppy approaches the plastic bottle. I love my life, but it is sometimes hard for me to stay present in it. So I constantly zoom in and out of reality…
One thought on “Scared and curious”
Being aware of this pattern evokes change. My consistent and conscious self care help me heal the trauma’s my body has held until now. I still feel this anxiety, but it does not always rule my actions like before. It feels more safe and natural to exist and relax into that. So that is really a good development.
And immediately the next development pattern takes over. Particularly yesterday I totally went oral. I just wanted to be lazy and be nurtured. The enormous exhaustion I felt left me little choice. So the day was mostly spent on sleeping and eating. Let’s say the weekend was one day early. All fine.
And only today, when I woke up wondering about my state of mind and my current state of being, I started to see the pattern. So well described by Boyd here.
So I will probably have to unlearn all the coping patterns. Schizoid and oral are just the fist two. I still will have to master many new healthy behaviours to replace the survival mechanisms of the masochist, psychopath and the rigid.